Sunday, August 28, 2016

Future?

I haven't always wanted to be a writer, but it is one of my most desirable dreams. I didn't always want to be an actor, but now I just wish I had the gutts. I didn't always want to do YouTube, but I stare at these YouTubers as if their Gods and Godesses because I wish I could talk to people normally like they do. But that's not saying they always did. I learned, not recently, that they are like celebrities and yet they're just like us. Normal fangirls who don't act or sing in front of thousands (until they reach those veiws.) But that's not what I'm trying to get at, I'm hust saying that they aren't generally a household name, more of a my friend's know them and so do I. Unlike Selena Gomez, or Beyonce.

And the thought of possibly being like them seems impossible to me. I don't mean its going to happen as one can only wish but who hasn't actually thought about it?

I want to act despite never actung before, or at least trying. I want to be a YouTuber even if I don't succeed and I want to write even if no one reads my books because it's just what I want to do. Those thoughts don't scare me and you may think it's the most silliest thing that it does: Talking to Strangers.

You see in my mind, what you will never get into and probably don't want to, it could go one of two ways:

1) We could have an honest to God conversation and it's all civil and nice and when you leave I may just think, 'Never seeing that person again, yeah don't worry you'll forget my name.' And truthfully I don't mean it in a rude way. It more of a yeah this person probably won't ever care to actually get to know me or care to talk to me again in the future.

2) Same scenario, civil, honest to God, yada yada. And you walk away ending said conversation. My brain goes a little haywire like, "well you had to screw up again and be all weird. Didn't ya?" My mind generally likes to believe that people don't like me and no I'm not emo. It's more of a, 'I wasted people's time and now they prob don't like you because you're you." kind of way. And again not emo. I get those thoughts because I'm probably one of the most quietest person around. And that's because I start to panick internally and hope for the better.

Why am I so quiet? You may have not asked, truthfully I don't know. I always have been, refusing to talk to people, hating that my mom would have me ask where the cans of soup was to the clerk. I became to wish I was mute because I hated what it felt like to talk to people and have them talk back. Don't get me wrong I love making friends but I hated the feeling of crying everytime I would and shaking not of fear though.

It soon became a hassle when it would also happen to whilst in practice in band when I would mutter a would to my fellow band geeks. Again I wasnt afraid of them, I was afraid I'd make a wrong move. I became so closed and at thw same time open muttering sentences that didn't seem like something a normal person would say. I didn't act like who I was and wanted to be to the point where I didn't know who I was.

I didn't act like the person who I was around my friends always careful with my words and making situations awkward. I never should who I was to my friends all but one. I felt ashamed to say anything that didn't seem appropriate to regular humans. 

You may be wondering what does this have to do with the title? If so, thank you fir reading this far. The answer to that question that I asked myself is, to go ahead with the future first you must be aware of your past and be willing to overcome things that might seem like a challenge today. Everyday a new challenge reveals itself, testing you on whether or not you are prepared to allow yourself to get closer to the ending. Acting and Youtube seem like a huge challege that I am willing to make if it helps me contain my fear of talking to stangers. And hopefully one day I'll write about how much I was able to overcome it.

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