Sunday, August 28, 2016

Future?

I haven't always wanted to be a writer, but it is one of my most desirable dreams. I didn't always want to be an actor, but now I just wish I had the gutts. I didn't always want to do YouTube, but I stare at these YouTubers as if their Gods and Godesses because I wish I could talk to people normally like they do. But that's not saying they always did. I learned, not recently, that they are like celebrities and yet they're just like us. Normal fangirls who don't act or sing in front of thousands (until they reach those veiws.) But that's not what I'm trying to get at, I'm hust saying that they aren't generally a household name, more of a my friend's know them and so do I. Unlike Selena Gomez, or Beyonce.

And the thought of possibly being like them seems impossible to me. I don't mean its going to happen as one can only wish but who hasn't actually thought about it?

I want to act despite never actung before, or at least trying. I want to be a YouTuber even if I don't succeed and I want to write even if no one reads my books because it's just what I want to do. Those thoughts don't scare me and you may think it's the most silliest thing that it does: Talking to Strangers.

You see in my mind, what you will never get into and probably don't want to, it could go one of two ways:

1) We could have an honest to God conversation and it's all civil and nice and when you leave I may just think, 'Never seeing that person again, yeah don't worry you'll forget my name.' And truthfully I don't mean it in a rude way. It more of a yeah this person probably won't ever care to actually get to know me or care to talk to me again in the future.

2) Same scenario, civil, honest to God, yada yada. And you walk away ending said conversation. My brain goes a little haywire like, "well you had to screw up again and be all weird. Didn't ya?" My mind generally likes to believe that people don't like me and no I'm not emo. It's more of a, 'I wasted people's time and now they prob don't like you because you're you." kind of way. And again not emo. I get those thoughts because I'm probably one of the most quietest person around. And that's because I start to panick internally and hope for the better.

Why am I so quiet? You may have not asked, truthfully I don't know. I always have been, refusing to talk to people, hating that my mom would have me ask where the cans of soup was to the clerk. I became to wish I was mute because I hated what it felt like to talk to people and have them talk back. Don't get me wrong I love making friends but I hated the feeling of crying everytime I would and shaking not of fear though.

It soon became a hassle when it would also happen to whilst in practice in band when I would mutter a would to my fellow band geeks. Again I wasnt afraid of them, I was afraid I'd make a wrong move. I became so closed and at thw same time open muttering sentences that didn't seem like something a normal person would say. I didn't act like who I was and wanted to be to the point where I didn't know who I was.

I didn't act like the person who I was around my friends always careful with my words and making situations awkward. I never should who I was to my friends all but one. I felt ashamed to say anything that didn't seem appropriate to regular humans. 

You may be wondering what does this have to do with the title? If so, thank you fir reading this far. The answer to that question that I asked myself is, to go ahead with the future first you must be aware of your past and be willing to overcome things that might seem like a challenge today. Everyday a new challenge reveals itself, testing you on whether or not you are prepared to allow yourself to get closer to the ending. Acting and Youtube seem like a huge challege that I am willing to make if it helps me contain my fear of talking to stangers. And hopefully one day I'll write about how much I was able to overcome it.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

To highschool students whom it may concern.

Let me tell me you about the saddest thing about graduation... If you're me. You'll start forgetting it as it passes. The salutatorian, or in my case my friend Luz, will talk and you will be like 'oh my gosh she is talking, she's been working om this for a while now. And strongly think to yourself, she should've been valedictorian. But as the actual valedictorian talks you forget everything she said and everything this stranger who is at the top of the schools ranks and is known to be lazier than you talks you'll zone out because she's no one you know and you tend to zone out whenever someone talks.

You'll forget your name card that your meant to give to your name reader person because you got anxious but lucky he knows your name as you were in his club for all of your four years. You'll hear you name and as you walk to get the empty dipolma you will shake because all eyes on you and barely any screams fill the room. You're not a popular kid and that never bothered you as long as you had those few friends you know will scream your name as you walk over. Fear of tripping on those what seems to be very unsturdy stairs but you surpass that and shake the schools principal's hand and he gives a small congratulations.

As the people walk by you zone out but try not to because friends are beginning to talk by and you want to make sure you scream when their name is called to show your support and how much your proud of them. You wave at passing friends who are waiting in line for their names to be called and you sit there half posing for pictures as you spot your family, if your lucky that is. Yet your still shaking and the entire encounter on the mini stage.

As you once summer school teacher gives you an envelope with papers and plastic that is meant to go inside your diploma you give yourself a chance to say goodbye to all of your amazing teachers and every single friend you know you'll most likely never see again. And finally you say thank you to everyone who's ever been a friend to you and who's ever supported you in any way, shape, or form. Whether it was telling you to try something you wouldn't normally or pass you on the online course you didn't fully finish as it was the end of the year.

As you walk out the door regret fills you, you know you could have done better at school. You know you could have gotten good maybe great grades if you weren't so caught up with some silly things and some not so silly things.

If there's anything to take from this post is that, sometimes we are down in the dumps and it seems like there is no way we can ever come out. Yet it is you who decides whether you come out or not.

Don't be silly middle school children who believe their on top of the word because they can say curse words and think it's cool to be suspended because those are the kids who don't graduate and to them graduation doesn't matter. That is until their thirty and looked down upon by society for lacking a simple diploma. And it's funny, truly, how simple minded people like them ask for respect and to 'be treated like adults' by acting like children with temper tantrums some even to their senior year. Unaware that in real life people like that can't act like that or by a snap of a finger out they go, because employee's are replaceable.

Don't let something like a fight with a friend or hatred towards said teacher ruin chances at ruining your life because it isn't ruining there's. Just yours. This is just an FYI and of course I don't know everything because I'm still learning and no one is every finished learning before their inevitable death.

But I'm glad that I only have one regret in highschool versus the many my friends have and it's mostly all the same: I wish I had tried harder.