Sunday, August 28, 2016


I haven't always wanted to be a writer, but it is one of my most desirable dreams. I didn't always want to be an actor, but now I just wish I had the gutts. I didn't always want to do YouTube, but I stare at these YouTubers as if their Gods and Godesses because I wish I could talk to people normally like they do. But that's not saying they always did. I learned, not recently, that they are like celebrities and yet they're just like us. Normal fangirls who don't act or sing in front of thousands (until they reach those veiws.) But that's not what I'm trying to get at, I'm hust saying that they aren't generally a household name, more of a my friend's know them and so do I. Unlike Selena Gomez, or Beyonce.

And the thought of possibly being like them seems impossible to me. I don't mean its going to happen as one can only wish but who hasn't actually thought about it?

I want to act despite never actung before, or at least trying. I want to be a YouTuber even if I don't succeed and I want to write even if no one reads my books because it's just what I want to do. Those thoughts don't scare me and you may think it's the most silliest thing that it does: Talking to Strangers.

You see in my mind, what you will never get into and probably don't want to, it could go one of two ways:

1) We could have an honest to God conversation and it's all civil and nice and when you leave I may just think, 'Never seeing that person again, yeah don't worry you'll forget my name.' And truthfully I don't mean it in a rude way. It more of a yeah this person probably won't ever care to actually get to know me or care to talk to me again in the future.

2) Same scenario, civil, honest to God, yada yada. And you walk away ending said conversation. My brain goes a little haywire like, "well you had to screw up again and be all weird. Didn't ya?" My mind generally likes to believe that people don't like me and no I'm not emo. It's more of a, 'I wasted people's time and now they prob don't like you because you're you." kind of way. And again not emo. I get those thoughts because I'm probably one of the most quietest person around. And that's because I start to panick internally and hope for the better.

Why am I so quiet? You may have not asked, truthfully I don't know. I always have been, refusing to talk to people, hating that my mom would have me ask where the cans of soup was to the clerk. I became to wish I was mute because I hated what it felt like to talk to people and have them talk back. Don't get me wrong I love making friends but I hated the feeling of crying everytime I would and shaking not of fear though.

It soon became a hassle when it would also happen to whilst in practice in band when I would mutter a would to my fellow band geeks. Again I wasnt afraid of them, I was afraid I'd make a wrong move. I became so closed and at thw same time open muttering sentences that didn't seem like something a normal person would say. I didn't act like who I was and wanted to be to the point where I didn't know who I was.

I didn't act like the person who I was around my friends always careful with my words and making situations awkward. I never should who I was to my friends all but one. I felt ashamed to say anything that didn't seem appropriate to regular humans. 

You may be wondering what does this have to do with the title? If so, thank you fir reading this far. The answer to that question that I asked myself is, to go ahead with the future first you must be aware of your past and be willing to overcome things that might seem like a challenge today. Everyday a new challenge reveals itself, testing you on whether or not you are prepared to allow yourself to get closer to the ending. Acting and Youtube seem like a huge challege that I am willing to make if it helps me contain my fear of talking to stangers. And hopefully one day I'll write about how much I was able to overcome it.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

To highschool students whom it may concern.

Let me tell me you about the saddest thing about graduation... If you're me. You'll start forgetting it as it passes. The salutatorian, or in my case my friend Luz, will talk and you will be like 'oh my gosh she is talking, she's been working om this for a while now. And strongly think to yourself, she should've been valedictorian. But as the actual valedictorian talks you forget everything she said and everything this stranger who is at the top of the schools ranks and is known to be lazier than you talks you'll zone out because she's no one you know and you tend to zone out whenever someone talks.

You'll forget your name card that your meant to give to your name reader person because you got anxious but lucky he knows your name as you were in his club for all of your four years. You'll hear you name and as you walk to get the empty dipolma you will shake because all eyes on you and barely any screams fill the room. You're not a popular kid and that never bothered you as long as you had those few friends you know will scream your name as you walk over. Fear of tripping on those what seems to be very unsturdy stairs but you surpass that and shake the schools principal's hand and he gives a small congratulations.

As the people walk by you zone out but try not to because friends are beginning to talk by and you want to make sure you scream when their name is called to show your support and how much your proud of them. You wave at passing friends who are waiting in line for their names to be called and you sit there half posing for pictures as you spot your family, if your lucky that is. Yet your still shaking and the entire encounter on the mini stage.

As you once summer school teacher gives you an envelope with papers and plastic that is meant to go inside your diploma you give yourself a chance to say goodbye to all of your amazing teachers and every single friend you know you'll most likely never see again. And finally you say thank you to everyone who's ever been a friend to you and who's ever supported you in any way, shape, or form. Whether it was telling you to try something you wouldn't normally or pass you on the online course you didn't fully finish as it was the end of the year.

As you walk out the door regret fills you, you know you could have done better at school. You know you could have gotten good maybe great grades if you weren't so caught up with some silly things and some not so silly things.

If there's anything to take from this post is that, sometimes we are down in the dumps and it seems like there is no way we can ever come out. Yet it is you who decides whether you come out or not.

Don't be silly middle school children who believe their on top of the word because they can say curse words and think it's cool to be suspended because those are the kids who don't graduate and to them graduation doesn't matter. That is until their thirty and looked down upon by society for lacking a simple diploma. And it's funny, truly, how simple minded people like them ask for respect and to 'be treated like adults' by acting like children with temper tantrums some even to their senior year. Unaware that in real life people like that can't act like that or by a snap of a finger out they go, because employee's are replaceable.

Don't let something like a fight with a friend or hatred towards said teacher ruin chances at ruining your life because it isn't ruining there's. Just yours. This is just an FYI and of course I don't know everything because I'm still learning and no one is every finished learning before their inevitable death.

But I'm glad that I only have one regret in highschool versus the many my friends have and it's mostly all the same: I wish I had tried harder.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Indoor Purcussion

Let me explain the life of indoor percussionist. I am not a percussionist, I don't consider myself as a percussionist. I play snare in the Battery or Drumline. It was a lucky thing, that's what I think of every time that I think of being part of drumline. I was scared trying out, so much that I shook, although I tried to calm down my heart was beating at a fast rate that I couldn't keep still. Whenever we would stop I would just move around a lot in my spot, that was the first time I tried out. The second time I was less nervous but more annoyed that I didn't know the music that was given to us. I guess I just was effing it. Pretending to know it.

I think every school is different. The way they do things, richer school have more staff and more seemed to be breed for it. Poorer schools are more hectic and make loads of mistakes. Or they are more noticeable for the fact that they are small. Marching band was a joy but such a pain that people didn't know their music or the sets or etc, We had like 60+ kids. Five staff members and an amazing show concept that we created ourselves but it wasn't displayed well because of the lack of practice. And don't get me wrong I was one of them but at least I tried and knew my sets unlike many of the people I saw on that field.

There is something miss told us when trying out for Indoor percussion. That we won't be able to hid under our marching band hats or if you want it in Band terms A Shako. She said our faces would be exposed and we will have to perform our show away. For the most part it didn't happen. It was soo difficult to get me to play or show with dynamics let alone present facial expressions. I don't remember much. The concept of being in indoor percussion was scary but it turned out to be extremely fun and enjoyable to be in. We just had State on Saturday April 2nd. My cousins birthday. The event took place in GCU. But my first competition was on a Friday after school. I completely don't remember it. AT AL, which is sad on my part because it was my first competition as a percussion group like so and yet I don't remember it at all.

When I said bad. I meant it.
Guy in yellow bowtie.
What I do remember was that we sat on the back of the gym with the other performers with our make-up and puppet outfits still on. A group went on, one boy immediately caught my eye 'the cute snare' as my friends and I like to call him. His show concept was "Once upon a play ground" Which was adorable and completely different from my show concept. "The puppeteer" which is dark and involves murder. So it's not that bad.The cute snare was so interesting and he did well I think. But would I date him? No, although he was cute if I met him and he was my soul mate I wouldn't date him. I'll probably post really bad pictures of him later. We got first place, that and the fact that we
were the only group to preform in our area.

Don't mind me as I creep a photo
The following competition there was the 'cute tenor' who reminded me of a little kid. He was so adorable and extremely cute. At one point it looked as though he was looking at me, but that was just because he was kneeling in front of me and looking up. And if he was looking at me, he probably thought I looked weird compared to all of the normally dressed people around me. His show concept was about speaking up. I remember the audio saying "They tell me to sit but I stand." That's wrong but again bad memory. It was something similar. I refuse to acknowledge the millimeter chance that he was looking at me. I was in costume so no, I was not cute. We got first place then.

All together we had 4 competitions that we went to. The third one was the first one that we didn't get first place, we got second. I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disappointed. I was just happy that we were getting higher scores and becoming better than the week before.

Markiplier look-a-like
The entire two weeks from the third and fourth competitions aka state. I was reminded varies of times that it was a possibility that we could be first out of the entire state. I was nervous because of it. And in my first set a huge amount of spit flew out of my mouth. I was so embarrassed and hoped no one noticed. I kept going though and didn't stop because it wasn't something that should get me stopped. Overall I was okay, and the show was okay. I don't really know as I am the performer and can't see from the top. It must have been good because guess what? Second place baby. With a score of 90.6. That is right 90.6 the most any Carl Hayden band anything has ever received. The score of first place had 91.6. One point away from being first. Can you believe that!

The first and last time that Falcon Winter Arts will get that kind of score. Next year there wont be Falcon Winter Arts, it'll just be Falcon Winter Guard. The program is being opened to anyone in the district along with alumni. I won't be joining, or should I say trying out. Again I don't consider myself a percussionist. So what chance to I have if I think I got lucky.

I am glad that I can take that off of my bucket list. It was the only thing I really wanted to do since eighth grade and now I can finally say goodbye to Marching Band or a type of Marching Band. I know there are things that I am not aware of, or things that I won't ever be aware of that involves band but I'm glad for the experience that I got.

Until next time, deuces. Sorry if I was creepy and sorry if my camera sucks.

Monday, April 4, 2016

My internet year

As a child I didn't expect to be something, a writer nonetheless. I was just this bullied, sad kid who knew nothing. As an elementary school child I failed every class and was expecting to die as a teen. Yes that was me. expecting to die when I turned 17. Yet being this closeted little kid many things captivated me. The colors everything just seemed different. I was made fun of because of it. My thoughts are very diverse and random. My thoughts consisted of everything and anything at the same time. 

I loved reading and writing and everything that I adored I was obsessed. Like harry potter. The 7 book wonder, I was always reading the only three books I owned from the series, two stolen and the other was given kindly to me by my lovely cousin. I own five now, presents from my sister. I was completely Harry Potter this, Harry Potter that. It was the only thing I read that wasn't for a class project. I was completely fascinated in books that contained Magic, and other mythical creatures. I guess it gave me hope that wicked humans aren't the only thing out there. They can't be or so I thought. I always had this hope that some different kind of good was out there, keeping me alive for a reason.

I never got my answer, or should I say I never looked for it. Like I was afraid of being disappointed. I don't really know. I guess some part of me really hoped that I would be different and loyal to those who rescued me from my insanity. Regardless I found peace in my being. I don't know when and I don't really know how but it's there. It's been there since 7th grade, fading but there.

Hope that is something I want to take about here. The hope to be something, anything one wants to. Very few people will become President of the United States so that itself doesn't bother me. More of the thought of singer, actor, writer, doctor, etc. That's something realistic and in ones reach. I am a writer so I am half way there to my ultimate dream before my inevitable death. So when I think of the thoughts of being said writer I think about the hope that was presented to me by my fellow peers and family members.

The hope that, that is my dream and no one can take that away. No matter what any mortal says, I will do what I wish and what I believe is my chance to do somethings I never thought possible as a kid.

 I was watching Spare Parts the other day, well again, since the entire school watched it for free. It was literally the day of the premiere, Friday during 7th period and I think third. Anyway it kind of stuck to me that if I ever wrote a book like that, it wouldn't be like that. I would miss a lot of details trying to remember everything that happened. Like whenever I'm with my friends or with my family, there are only very few things I would remember. I wouldn't remember important things said and done. It is literally impossible for me and I don't know why.

So like Tyler Oakley's Binge he writes about what happens in his life and most of what he writes I would have forgotten, not because you 'Forgive and Forget' but because I just don't have the capacity in remembering it.

In middle school I joined an online website, Wikia. I was going to see if Number 18's real name was Number 18. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's Dragon Ball Z. Anyway, I was on the new laptop and my parent's had barely left to go to work. It was around 7 and getting dark hinting winter coming on. I was googling it as the episode continued on my TV screen. I looked for the information I was trying to look for but didn't find it due to the fact that I got distracted. I look at the websites design, Dragon Ball Z Wikia. My eyes scanned the screen and the picture of the cyborg girl and next to it was a button that read: JOIN CHAT! or JOIN LIVE CHAT or START CHAT! I don't really remember but when I joined I realized how many people are there. Only few were talking and a lot of people were on. I don't remember their names, they were like 'Carnage' or something similar. Whenever I saw that name I would think Carnivore. I talked to Carni dude and I was well aware he was probably some internet dude who is extremely lonely. I still don't know if I was wrong or not.

I shyly typed 'hello' and began to talk to me. Carni dude asked me out and I faked a relationship to not enter in one online. Spoiler I did end up dating him for a short while and things got hectic. As a 7th grader who knew nothing I lied a lot. But I also did find my true friends. Kitten and Mike. They are amazing human being in general Both my age, and before you say anything like how do you know that?! First of all Skype, secondly What kind of pervert would stay with someone without meeting them for seven years. I will admit that I did meet some people who were fakes but they never asked to meet in person and I also knew from the start but I went along with it. I later on met Evan who is also one of my close friends now. We still chat almost everyday like if we just met and were beginning to become friends.

I was very happy and sometimes annoyed with these people. The annoyed generally goes to one human in particular, and since this is a public site I wont name him. I don't really need to. This boy was the reason for our downfall and wiki moving. I later dated one of the wiki stalkers without us realizing until later. We met in high school so it wasn't like he stalked me in rl too. He apologized about the actions and explained the situation too. I completely understood and apologized as well. The boy though went onto their chat and just attacked to be a troll and they were being defensive. But he agreed that they took it too far.

My internet life isn't over. Joining random chats for the most part is but not going online and spending hours upon hours doing something. Whether that is Writing on this blog (Which is rarely) Writing more of my book. (I am a writer) or watching Youtube videos and K-dramas.

As for this blog. I think I am doing this because of how little I speak in the real world or how shy I am to say things in real life. But I also want this to be as part of my memory to my child hood. I don't remember much and what I do remember I want to keep. Even if that's 20 years from now rereading this after I completely forgot it existed. In that case, Hi old me! How does it feel to be 38? or however old you are? Well that's it for this blog that literally took ages to finish. I know it is a little (or a lot) hectic and unorganized but that's who I am, Hectic and unorganized when I talk or do things.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Sophomore Year Band: Most Memorable year

Sophomore year was something. But band itself was something different. I never categorize band and school as the same things. I don't know why because it is part of the high school experience. I suppose that it is because we practically we spend our entire school day in band. Just look at our schedule.

Go in at 6:45 in the morning every single day except Wednesday. The reason why not Wednesday is because we have either early release or late start. That and the fact that we just had a Night rehearsal. Call time at 6 on Tuesday which is a rehearsal until 9. Percussion and Color guard have rehearsals on Thursdays from 6-8 or else 5-8. I don't really remember. Fridays were football game which meant that we were there when the game started and after the game finished. Sometimes we'd leave early. The only times we'd ever leave early is because we had an early Competition the next day. The competitions could start at 6 in the morning and end at 11. Depending on what's going on and the morning show and evening show. In all honesty it was all such a blur, and at some point it is better that way.

It all went by so fast, I don't know how people remember such specific details when they write a book or something like that. Maybe their making up the conversations and events. What I remember the most is being cold for a while.

The only day where I remember the most things would be the day of our competition. It was already a long day with early practice in the morning, I don't remember if it was a at 10 or at 6 am. Clearly not that early but it was something similar. We were preparing for the arrival of the buses and I was relaxed. We all were, unknowing of how anxious our band director was feeling. She suggested to head outside to wait for the buses there, as we will be late. We waited for about 10 minutes until our teacher announced that there will not be buses. Someone in the front office didn't do their job. In the last two years ALONE we have had the same issues where people in the front office don't do their jobs. It always ends bad.

She said that it was too late to get buses and suggested that we all call parents and see if we can arrive in cars, separately. I called my mom but she couldn't come as she was already at the competition. Cars slowly arrived and my sister and I hitched a hike with my friend Louis and his freshman sister Amy along with our friend Jazmin. It was like a minivan but smaller, the three of us were in the 'truck' area where in the commercials the person puts the groceries. We made fun of the old lady in the car behind us, and tried to forget that the same thing had happened to Maryvale High School. The buses didn't arrive and they had to forfeit the competition.

We were the first car to get there, we explained our situation and I think they were laughing behind our backs. 'Ghetto school comes in a ghetto way.' We had a very short Warm-up and had to go on. Ms, Grace explained to us that they had extended the or made a short break so that we can preform. Warm-up had gone extremely great, we were stopped by miss who said 'Do we have to come late all of the time so that you can sound like that' She always did that, her and Ms. Erica (Just 'Erica' at the time.) We went out to the gate that separated us and the track surrounding the field. Ms. Grace looked at us and was ready to give a speech.

What I can remember, she said. "You'll do great out there. F- the judges, forget the judges. You came late, had a great time, so what they say doesn't matter because you will do great out there." She continued her speech although it didn't go exactly like that. She began to cry making me want to cry and making others go "AWWW". We had a great show that year, "Moulin Rouge"

It was the announcer who convinced them to give us more time. I can't remember his name sadly, I was told he passed away and I don't know why. He an amazing person, he came out to help us a while back and to talk to us about band. Said that we are a gang, but not THAT type of  'gang'. A gang hangs out in the same area almost everyday, the band room. A group of people having informal and usually close social relations. Lock in. People who have a same interest, band. He went on to saying jokes and serious talks.

He was announcing the people who made it to either state or super state. He said, "And now I will be announcing who passes in no exact order." He went on the state all of the 10 who will pass. At some point he said "Ca-" And called out a different school. By the end the hope I had was diminishing. "CARL HAYDEN HIGH SCHOOL" My heart jumped in joy, I cried. Before I thought it was all over, and yet we had one more chance. We got 6th place whilst the previous year we had 8th place. We'd hope to continue scoring better and better as the years went by, but alas that didn't happen. But that's a different story.