Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Sophomore year

My second year in high school I began to learn that every little action I took did have consequences. My actions consisted of me not wanting to do homework. I had absolutely no motivation to do it. It was like eating chalk for me, excruciatingly boring and painful. At the beginning of the school year I was dating a Mexican, white boy. As in he was of Hispanic heritage but the boy doesn't speak any Spanish. You'll see a similar pattern throughout my high school years. He was sweet and stuff, and since he was going to a different school I would only text him literally every night until one am or something. 

One day I'm pretty sure it was a Sunday, it was a weekend for sure. We broke up, or he broke up with me, telling me that we would get back together one day, just that his mother wasn't happy that he had a girlfriend AND terrible grades. I don't know about you but I am not the cause of someone else's bad grades when I don't see them. So I said no, if we were breaking up then we were breaking up. And we did. Rumor was that he got a new girlfriend and it didn't bother me. That was when I knew that I didn't love him, and no matter how many times he told me, he didn't love me.

A month or two passed, and I was clearly failing at life. I was pretty sure I was failing all of my classes except for band. Band, a year prior I was a pit player, now was playing the Sexy Saxophone. I was in beginning band before hand and desperately wanted to play the Sax since my two middle school best friends no longer have band so it felt like a tribute for them. My original plan was to be in the Front Ensemble, or Pit, for Marching Season, and Saxophone for Concert band. Anyway it was the first year that I was going to march and it was extremely scary. I was nervous and anxious but the year turned out to be really good. Although I did fail four classes, it was over all an amazing experience and I'm glad I wasn't persistent. The band not the failing part.

Anyway a month or two later I met this white boy, who doesn't know Spanish. My family makes fun of the fact that I date English-speaking only boys. Yes, I did date him. He was sweet and made me see a lot of things differently. Yes, somethings I did not agree but everyone is enticed to their own beliefs. But I doubt you would want to learn about a teenage girl talk about her ex-boyfriends. Although I will say that with every relationship I've ever been in, which is only three, we have not ended in bad blood.

This year in my high school marching band experience we ended in 6th place but I'll probably write about that later in a different post, just because I can. Although I will say that, that year has had some drama with no buses.

In this post I want to talk about my depression, overall sophomore year it was well hidden on my part. I was just sad, extremely sad. I don't know why, at the time I would blame my insecurities and the bullying I had to deal with at school and at home in the past, no I am not an abused child. My mother blamed that fact that most of all of the people I hung out with were extreme depressed people and it was getting to me. Now looking back at it I honestly don't know why I wanted to die so badly. It stared the year of 2014 all that year the end of sophomore year and ending in the middle of junior. Honestly it hasn't ended, I just come to the conclusion to deal with it the best I can. Being positive and smiling the most I can.

I don't know about you but I don't like to go outside in the dark alone. It's not that I'm afraid of monsters. I just have this irrational fear of being killed by a gun. My neighborhood hasn't had a shooting or a drive-by since we first moved in about seven years ago, but I just can't help but imagine what it would feel like to feel that bullet go into a person. The immense pain that for a weak person like me would be unbearable. I began to feel low and hollow. Everyday going to school felt like a cycle of doing things over and over again with no purpose of anything.

I felt like a thirty year old man with a nine-to-five job sitting behind a computer everyday wondering what happened to the good times, and if he'll ever find happiness ever. Most people don't understand what it's like to want to give up. When someone dies of a terminal disease they weren't at fault. Depression is a disease, I find it hard to believe that someone so innocent would want to kill themselves just for the show, unless they were sick.

Depression wraps around the victim, it is something that is very hard to escape. It makes you wonder if there is anything better in life. Or if that is all to be seen. I experienced very little of this and yet was in a firm lock that is yet to be open. So I completely understand why people do things others find selfish. Like cancer patients trying to find ways to survive there are suicidal students trying to live a better life. I have seen people use many methods of expressing themselves. Music, drama, TV, youtubers, actors, bands, the list is endless. The only thing that is stopping us from allowing to express ourselves whether it's the music we listen to or the things we like is the judgment that surrounds us every single day.

Whether it's spoken aloud or not, it is there. Have you ever found yourself thinking negatively about a person and stop yourself from saying more because it's rude and you don't know the person personally. People suffer through their own battles and people don't see that. You judge because it's a human thing to do. Whether the judging is positive or negative that's up to the person who is judging. The school needs a whole less of it. There are a lot of comments and little things I hear everyday that boils my blood. And it isn't just my school it's everyone. It's bullying in a different method.

This post I understand is very disorganized and confusing. But that's me, my thoughts are disorganized and confusing. I will not hold back on posts.

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